AND FROM THE ASHES

O'hum,another Day,another Miracle

2006-01-04T00:01:00.000-09:00

For first time readers,my name is Doug and I am an Alcoholic and Drug Addict.I am also an Adult Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse. CLEAN AND SOBER 18 MONTHS TODAY!(Jan4th/06)(but whose counting?)That is how long it as been since my death,and then my miraculous revival,and the Inspiration for PHOENIX,now I invite you to read:

O'hum,another Day,another Miracle!
Miracle
An event that appears inexplicable by the laws of nature and so is held to be supernatural in origin or an act of God,so sayeth my best friend dictionary.com

If you were to ask the average North American if they believe that Miracles have occurred in the past,the overwhelming majority will respond on the positive side,some surveys place it as high as 93%.A recent Harris Poll shows some interesting things.When asked if they believe Miracles are still occurring,that 93% drops dramatically especially in those with higher education,down to a low of 65%

It would seem they are willing to believe in such things as Jesus being Resurrected,but feel that they are too intelligent to think that anything unexplained is a Miracle,simply something that is unexplained.If you were to swear to them that you have experienced a Miracle,most will think of you as either a charlatan=a fraud artist,liar,swindler,crook,or you are just plain crazy.Well,I have been both of those things!which do you want to pick?Charlatan?
I have done enough time thank you,I fear no man,or prison for that matter,but for the first time I have a family I feel connected to,I would not do anything to jeopardize that.

I have returned,literally from the dead,as a clean,sober and honest man,one who as finally allowed the Lord to be his guide and confidant.
I am back kind reader,you no longer need fear me,I will no longer rob from you.I will no longer sell drugs to your wife,husband,brother,sister and definitely your not to your children.I will not tempt your wife or girlfriend,the cheque that I write is good ,my word can be trusted.That should be called a Miracle!I will however refrain from doing so!
I have returned literally from the dead to be re-united with my children and society.I will now attempt to make them and you,and especially God proud of me.
If there is an injustice,if there is corruption,if there is cruelty,let me help you fight your causes.If it is abuse or addiction issues I have created THE ABUSE END NOW!
If it is a legal issue I have created THE VIEW FROM OUTSIDE-articles and essays pertaining to the Justice system,all through the unique perspective as someone who as been on both sides of the law.

When I injected that last slam of morphine,I thought I would never awake,though it was not a suicide attempt,(or was it,brought on by memory of my abuser?)I can no longer be sure,my memory of that event is nearly all but gone.I had ODed and I think I remember that I felt my self going,fade to black and then....It was over two weeks before my mind was well enough to even know how to use the bedpan.I was told that I had been dead for so long they expected permanent brain damage(no laughing!) and that it would take at least six months of extensive therapy before I would be able to even speak properly,let alone learn how to walk again.I didn't like that prognoses so,like the song says(yes,I know I changed the word on purpose) I just did me some talking to the Son,said I didn't like the way things got done!Sleeping on the Job,yep,I just did me some talking to the SON ,what happened next is a True Miracle (sorry,you will just have to go there and read for yourself) Perhaps also read from InnerTalk self help site(sponsor)

Since I am neither in prison or the grave,it is time for payback,I owe society more then just the time she demanded of me.I will get back to that in a bit.I have hopefully convinced you of my honesty and aversion to any more illegal activities.Having established that,if I were to tell you of yet another Miracle happening to me,and you are convinced of my sincerity,you may then think that I just plain nuts.Crazy person,hide the children,crazy one-eyed man is coming!
When I stop to think about it going crazy sounds like it could be fun,just think,I could say anything to anybody,and as long as they knew of my "condition",do silly things,wear silly clothes,stand on street corners wearing signs proclaiming the end times,but asking for money to put in my retirement fund!(actually saw that one once)Also,if I was insane,then I would not be so worried about something.Worried perhaps is not the right word,scared senseless might be the more appropriate phrase.

What do I fear?and why?and why all this preamble?The preamble is just to bring first time readers a little understanding of what I am all about,and to point out that a few Miracles have occurred in my life.I am amazed that I was Chosen to be the receipent of these Miracles,and I do not feel worthy.Therefore,I must make myself worthy!If only I can over come this fear I have.
What do I fear?
GOD! or more correctly,what God is Calling me to do.I will for the sake of space and to avoid repetition direct you to something I wrote in one of my other sites,THE ROAD DOWN.There is a piece called ANOTHER FEAR TO OVERCOME where I talk about what I feel God is telling me to do.Please read it,you need not read the whole piece,just scroll down to where you see God written in large bold letters.I no longer think He is Calling to me,I think He is SCREAMING at me! Go read about my fear,then I will explain.I will wait here,K?

Back already?man you read fast!
Okay,you have suffered enough.I will now tell you,that YES,another MIRACLE as occurred in my life.This is a strange one,one I am sure many of you will set out to explain by other means,and I welcome any ideas you may have.I must admit,there is a large part of me that would love to find out that there is a perfectly logical explanation,and that you have a solution to stop what is happening.

Jesus Christ.url mean anything to you?It is not a real net address,that is plain.If you type it into your address box and hit GO(at least in my IE browser(Windows XP with SP2 and ALL upgrades and security updates) it will take you to http://www.google.com/search?q=Jesus+Christ.url which of course a Google search page.Trust me,I have visited every site listed!
WHY?What am I talking about?
First I apologize for the caliber of my writing,this piece is lacking even my somewhat limited ability to write in a pleasing manner,this seems lame when held up against my other work.Perhaps because I am so overwhelmed by what is going on here,let me try and explain.
Whenever an address is entered manually into my address window,it stays listed on a drop down for easy returns to that site.I use it all the time.Ever so often I clear the list as it just gets to long,and it is hard to find the most oft used.
YES,I know how to clear it,have done so many times,did so New Years Eve.Blank drop down.Out of habit,I hit it open,and it was blank,but when I released it back up this words appeared EXACTLY as written Jesus Christ.url
I have NEVER entered that phrase.NOBODY as ever sat at this chair but me and my daughter(who is 30,and DID NOT plant it!)
As an experiment,I entered some new addresses.Went to Tools,Internet Options-clear history etc.Again,blank drop down,as it should be.Release drop down Jesus Christ.url
By now I am FREAKED,but still holding on to the hope that it is a glitch.I have Nortons,Mircosoft,Google's,Yahoo's and Spybot.I have NEVER opened a strange attachment.I went in and deleted all my cookies,history,temporary files,not once but at least four times I have done all of these things.After I did all of that,plus running scans for virus and spyware,I did it all again.Then again,and every few hours for the last three days!

Jesus Christ.url this is not a prank,not a joke,I invite witnesses to view it themselves.Short of wiping my harddrive,I have done everything to remove it.I no longer want it removed,not until I have had enough witnesses,and even then I would love for it to stay as a permanent reminder.If you know someone in Saskatoon Canada,put them in touch with me if you want confirmation of this manifestation.
I have asked many others,listened to everyone's advise.Everything you can think of as been done.This is not a virus,not a worm or any other computer malfunction.Nor was it somehow programmed in by me or any one else.It just is.Period.End of Story.Jesus Christ.url
It keeps reappearing,and please excuse me,for now I must PRAY!

As usual I invite your comments and will publish the good with the bad.I will however delete any spammers,please do not even try and get me to promote with you,under you or over you.Neither your product or your proposal interests me.I will visit your sites if your comment is relative to this post and not just another copied/pasted piece of drivel.
I love looking at sites that earn revenue from Go gle ads,I like to learn as much as I can about word placement etc.If any of you find information from any of the sponsors that you found particularly useful,I would love to hear about it.My favorite mail is the ones I have received saying that they were genuinely helped because of one the ads that Go gle or Crisp provided,that makes them doubly rewarding.So,until the next time,God Bless you all,please tell your friends of my sites.Thank you.

Alcoholism and Drug Addiction are beatable.I am living proof!There is help out there!If you need a start,email me and I will do my best to help.I have an on line support group for addicts,and there is room for you in it!If you were a victim of Sexual Abuse,there is no reason for guilt or shame,as those are just other forms of abuse.let THE ABUSE END NOW! Parents be informed,know the warning signs that your child may be being abused.DRUGS KILL! ALCOHOL IS A DRUG!Please if drugs or alcohol are causing a problem in your life,seek help.It can be done!

I Wasn't Alone

2005-12-04T12:01:00.000-09:00

For first time readers,my name is Doug and I am an Alcoholic and Drug Addict.I am an Adult Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse.
CLEAN AND SOBER 16 MONTHS 28 DAYS 18 HOURS 45 MINUTES,that is how long it as been since my death,and then my miraculous revival,and the Inspiration for PHOENIX,now I invite you to read:
I Wasn't Alone

The echoing sound of the clanging of the door,the buzzing of the overhead fluorescent lights,the gleaming marble floors.the high oak counters,the incessant ringing of telephones,the hum of antiquated computers,their monitors flickering worse then the lights,these are some of the sights and sounds that invaded my senses as I walked through the large double doors with the huge brass door handles.These are all familiar sites and sounds,I remember this place well,however what really unleashed a flood of memories were the smells.The odor I took in did more then stimulate nasal passages,it stimulate something deep in my subconscious,certain memories so sharp and clear they seemed for a moment not memory but real events taking place in the here and now.

If I remember my Psych 101,(and I do,I just cheated and looked it up ) this is called a Proustian Memory,named after the great novelist Marcel Proust. I have a distinct memory of reading his novel Swan's Way,part one of the seven-part work, Remembrance Of Things Past.
He does such a brilliant job of describing the phenomenon of how certain smells will trigger crystal clear memories that psychologists and other researcher coined the phrase Proustian Memory,and the rest as they say is history.
I am relating reading Proust and today's memories for other reasons then those stated,I will make clear a little later on why I have done so,but for now we will return to the smells that affronted my senses as I walked into the vestibule leading to the main reception area.

The sparkling clean floors and dust free surfaces,the potted plants,the polished mirrors on the walls,none of those trappings of cleanliness,nor the almost sickening scent of air fresheners,can mask the dank smell of fear,sweat,vomit,urine and feces mixed with the odor of despair that emanated from the hallway on the left.Despair as it's own odor,it's a heady smell that can never be properly described,you would have better luck explaining the sweet of success or the bitter taste of defeat,you will however recognize despair the second you smell it,once you encounter it,it stays with you,it owns part of you,no amount of success will ever remove it completely.

Not only will it stay with you,you will be able to smell it on others,as they will on you.This is not a bad thing,it is actually very beneficial,it helps to ground you,to prevent you from ever thinking too highly of yourself.

Despair,anguish,misery,pain and wretchedness,it matters not what label you put on it,you could smell it here,it hung heavy in the air,and was so thick it was difficult to walk through.Each step I took that moved me closer to the counter,with that famous hallway to the left, the more vivid the memories,memories of women and often men screaming,young men crying for their mothers,of threats,of begging and pleading,of cursing God and then pleading with Him for help.
Memories of a stretcher wheeling by,with the occupant completely covered,the heads of the medics hung low.Memories of long cold nights spent shivering beneath the thinnest of over-bleached white sheets,laying on the cold hard cement floor.No Hilton or even a Holiday Inn this,not even the Salvation Army or YMCA,no,this is of course JAIL.

Drug Addicts,Alcoholics,Prostitutes,Robbers and Murderers!Special weekend and overnight rates!Driving and Parking Violators,rooms by the hour!All meals included! Got the Blues?don't worry,we are Specialists in handing Suicides! Next of Kin Notification Included!**

Today however I will not be taking that turn to the left,today is not a day of despair,but a day of hope,a day of retribution,a day of salvation,a day of healing and hopefully in time,the first step in forgiveness.Why then am I just as scared,if not more,then that first time here,the first time I took that left turn?The next time was easier,and by the fifth it got almost comforting to me.Today though though I am experiencing real fear but yet I know that I am not alone,and that makes the fear managable.I asked for others to Pray for me,and their Prayers were answered,for it is God is holding me up,or I surely would have ran or fallen in faint.

I am here at the City Police to report a crime.For the first time in my life it is I who will be signing a statement against another human being,an act that I swore I would never do.As an ex-con it goes against the very fiber of my being to take an action that might put another behind bars.I justify my actions by telling myself I am doing it for the other children that may now feel safe,and for all the other victims that are lacking the courage to come forward. You see,I am reporting the man who sexually abused me,my former teacher and Boyscout Leader. May that my actions be of benefit to one other,then my purpose as been fulfilled.

Today I don't take that left turn,after checking in at reception,a Special Constable with a friendly smile(there's a switch!) guides me down the hallway on the right.
Much to my relief I am ushered into an private office,I had had visions of a large "bullpen"of detectives,all with their desks within arm reach of the next.This is much easier for me to relax in,there is something about four walls and a door that makes me feel at ease.Perhaps all those years I spent in tiny one room accommodations with the door closed is the reason,whose to say.
The Constable smiles at me again,tells me to take a seat and assures me that the Sergeant would be right with me.I sit,glancing around nervously.I can not now even tell you what the room looked like,it was so non described,just another copy cat bureaucratic office.I am more then a little nervous,I was not supposed to be here alone,I was to have had a lawyer at my side,but at the last possible minute he backed out,stating that his superior's had examined my case and it did not qualify as a need under the legal aid definitions or some such mumble jumbo.Since I am not facing a court proceeding against me,there is no provision for them to assist me.I was given the names of a few lawyers who are I am told reasonable in their consulting rates,but anything over $4.98 is more then I can afford.
Nope,I was there alone,but not quite,ever since I was the recipient of a Miracle and asked the Lord for help,I have never been alone,He truly is My Shepherd.

The meeting was not what I expected.I guess I have watched to many Law and Order episodes,the one where the cops drill the rape victim as if they were on the stand under cross examination from a sadist DA.Instead I was asked a series of seemingly unrelated questions and only the politest enquiries of the actual details of my abuse.Names and dates where given,I was treated with the utmost respect through out.The only mention of my criminal past was made by me,it did not (nor should it) seem to be a factor they were interested in,not now anyhow.

The whole meeting took less then fifteen minutes,and while they did not give me the impression that they where in a hurry,I could detect an underlying current that swept the interview along at a good pace.Assured that the matter would be directed to the proper authority and that I would be notified very soon of the next step and I was told I was free to go.Yes,those where the words he used"free to go "a phrase I am sure just becomes natural for a police officer to use.Who else would end a meeting using those words?

Reading back over the last part of this it may seem to some that I was being snubbed.I did not mean to give that impression,as it is the furthest thing from the truth.No,I was treated with dignity and respect,and while they were brief,it is fully understandable.The people I talked to today are not the ones that will be doing the actual investigation,just who will be is up in the air at the moment.The crime did not happen in this city,the pedophile does not live here,nor where the crime was committed. Jurisdictions will have to be worked out and other details have to be checked,then they will be back in touch with me.I do not think it will be long.I was told a "few days"but we all know what that can mean.The wheels of Justice have never been known as turning at a fast speed.I was assured that the Police where the pedophile is living will be notified "immediately"and that proper steps would be taken to protect the children that may be around the sickco and that is the whole point of this.I was again urged to get a lawyer though,as there is almost always counter accusations made(how that can be true was not explained) and that I should have a lawyer to ensure all my rights were protected and served.If any wrong doing on the part of officials of the scouts or education system are uncovered I was told it was vital that my lawyer be the first to know.I have already made it clear I do not blame those organizations,but the police Sergeant told me not to count anything or anybody out of the equation,not yet,and not without a lawyer.I was also told to refrain from talking about the case of course,so you will all have to wait to find out that it was John Quesnel,former teacher and scoutmaster in Semans Saskatchewan Canada,last known to be living in Regina Saskatchewan Canada,that is the sick twisted pedophile that raped and abused me for over two years.Wish I could tell you now encase some of you know him,I want to make sure children are safe around him.Will just have to wait I guess.

There is absolutely no way I can hire a lawyer.I live on a very tiny "disability allowance"the fancy term my government as given to us welfare recepients who have been deemed unable to easily find or to do employment due to disabilities.After my rent and utilities,phone and IP are paid,I have (just got a raise!) $272.00 per month to buy food,clothing and toiletries,entertain myself,pay for presents etc.Almost $60.00 is needed for bus fare as I must travel four time a week for my Drug Treatment Program.I have just paid for all of that,and I have like I implied before $4.98 left to last me to the New Year.No,a lawyer is out I am afraid.Unless another Miracle takes place,but I feel I have used up my quota for one lifetime,it is certianly nothing I would bother God about.

I will not ask or borrow,not again.God will provide.A million visitors will hit my web sites this month,that should do it!(if I spell it out to you how that would help I would be breaking some rule I dare not).

Remember my mentioning of Proust and my love of the Masters?It is the worst kind of irony that I owe my introduction to such authors to the very pedophile that I am now attempting to bring to juctice.It was he who in his constant attempts to buy my affections,to groom me as it where,that first showed me that there was another world outside of the little praire village I lived in.He soon came to realize that I was more precocious then even the girls my age,and that my reading level was at a college level while I was still in grade school.He cultivated a friendship with me using literature as a basis,advising me on what and who to read,oftening giving me "gifts" of classic books.If I still owned today some of those first editions he bought me,then I could afford a lawyer!

He particulary like me reading books that while not pornagraphic by today's standards,did however contain explict sexual scenes,many with bi-sexual characters,as if that was the norm.Perhaps not pornagraphic by today's standard yes,but acceptable reading for a thirteen year old boy,NO,not now and certainly not then.So in a sense,you could say that if I had not been the victim of a child molestor,I would not have the love of reading and writing that mean so much to me today.That is just one of the HAPPY parts of this tale of misery and suffering.

As I was leaving the Police Station,I caught a whiff of a new odor,it had a familiarity to it,but it took me a moment to recognize it.It seemed to be overpowering the other negative odor's,and mixed as it was with the street odor's,it did not bring back memories,but instead promised to create new ones,for it was the sweet smell of FREEDOM! yes,I am free at last!Free of guilt and shame.Free of doubts.Free to shout

MY NAME IS DOUG.I AM AN ALCOHOLIC AND DRUG ADDICT.I AM A SURVIVOR OF SEXUAL ABUSE.I AM FREE AND HAPPY AND I LOVE GOD!thank you.

**Please hold the cards and letters Ladies and Gentleman,I am not advocating the elimination of jails,they are a necessary cog in the justice wheel.I am however very much in favour of eliminating the practice of using them as dry out centers.Those with addictions need a facility with trained personal,a secure place to be sure,but a Detox as well.If you value human life,ALL human life as I do,and as how God instructed us to do,then we must prevent the high rate of suicide and other deaths in the first or second night of incarceration,that is the danger zone.Most prison suicides are amongst people that haven't even been convicted,it is in the city,and precinct's. and county jails where they are being held before their first court apperance.Everyone of those deaths(and there are way more then the general public realizes) is preventable.I am an advocate of Detox Centers now more then ever.I have lost three people who were one time close to me to suicides,all in the city jail cells,and all in the last year.Drug Addictions should not be a death sentence.If we spent a third of what we spend on jails( news brief April 98.) on Drug Treatment Programs and Addiction Counseling we could in time close half the prisons.It would take an all out effort with real commitment from all levels of government,but I believe much of the costs could be raised in the private sector.I don't think many would donate to a prison,but a Drug Treatment Center would have it's fair share and more.Just think folks,instead of tax dollars to warehouse the poor(as the vast majority of incarcerated individuals are from the poorer demographic)charity dollars to treat and educate.Which makes the most sense to you?The War on Drugs can be won,we just need to change our ammunition.Building more jails will not make the streets safer,no matter how many you place in jail due to drug addiction or alcoholism,there will be just new ones to take their place.Sad but true.
Sorry for editorializing,today just reminded me of so many needless deaths.This is supposed to be happy tales of misery and suffering,not the New Yorker! I do however hope you enjoyed my little tale,and if you wish to never miss a posting,simply email hdforbes@yahoo.ca with the word READ in the subject line and you will be placed on the notification list

As usual I invite your comments and will publish the good with the bad.I will however delete any spammers,please do not even try and get me to promote with you,under you or over you.Neither your product or your proposal interests me.I will visit your sites if your comment is relative to this post and not just another copied/pasted piece of drivel.If any of you find information from any of the sponsors that you found particularly useful,I would love to hear about it.So,until the next time,God Bless you all,please tell your friends of my sites.Thank you.

Alcoholism and Drug Addiction are beatable.I am living proof!There is help out there!If you need a start,email me and I will do my best to help.I have an on line support group for addicts,and there is room for you in it!
If you were a victim of Sexual Abuse,there is no reason for guilt or shame,as those are just other forms of abuse.let THE ABUSE END NOW! Parents be informed,know the warning signs that your child may be being abused

PHOENIX

2005-11-29T00:01:00.000-09:00

PHOENIX BIRD A bird in Egyptian mythology that lived in the desert for 500 years and then consumed itself by fire, later to rise renewed from its ashes.
A person or thing of unsurpassed excellence or beauty; a paragon.

Miracles Do Happen! (this article appeared before,but important updates are now included.Please,forgive the small amount of profanity,it is necessary to the accuracy of the story,which is 100% true.It was also the article I declared my love of God for the very first time,and was the inspiration for this series.

A NEW LIFE WAS BORN.
Gather around my children,and listen to my tale,a tale of woe, of desires run wild,of poverty,of disease,of death,of sorrow,of love and romance,a tale with violence sex,drugs and rock and roll.A tale of loss,of fanatics gains,in other words,a tale about life.

I was dead.I had no pulse,no respiration,my mind,at least from where I was sitting,was completely inactive.No bright lights,no long lost relatives with out stretched arms to welcome me,nor was there a burning pit or lakes of fire.
All was,as it was,The earth was without form, and void; and darkness was on the face of the deep.
And the nurse said "turn up the lights"and there was light.And it was Good!
I was re-born!
Yes,my children,I had died,dead by my own hand,whether intentional or not the jury is still out on that question,but either way,it was my own doing.
The dark road I went down that led me to this death,a death by drug overdose,to wit enough morphine injected into my arms,hands and legs( and a couple times when no other veins had the nerve to show themselves,even" there") to make an elephant drop(doctors words not mine) is a story for another place.This is the story of life! a celebration,a jubilation,an intoxicating tale of redemption,salvation and emancipation!
Emancipation? YES! because now,for the first time I AM FREE!
For the first time in close to twenty years I am not looking over my back watching for the police,I am free of that worry for good touch wood,no I mean PRAISE GOD!
My mind is free,free to learn,free to grow,free to create.I am free to visit my children,and not have them cringe,free to play with my granddaughter with out her mother watching like a hawk in case I decided to kidnap her and trade her for drugs.
PRAISE THE LORD I AM FREE!
That's right,you heard me,don't look so surprised.I mean,how did you think I came back from the dead?and get all those "ex"'s in front of my careers?

However before I get into a religious debate,I think we had better go back at bit,back to July 2004.
Relief is the only way to describe the feeling I had when I opened my eye that day a little over a year ago.Somehow,even though I had experienced an almost total loss of short term memory,I some how knew that finally everything was okay.
I can't begin to tell you what a sense of relief I was experiencing,I could not talk without extreme difficulty,every word was a if I were speaking for the very first time.Without even trying I knew that I could not walk,just lifting my head to look at the person who was talking to me was enough to physically exhaust me.I knew where I was,I knew what must have happened,even though I did not(and still do not)have any memory of the events that lead up to that moment.
Perhaps before I go on I should relate to you a little about myself,and my overall health at the time,else you totally get confused.It would not be the first time I have been accused of rambling on and on and on and on without getting to the real story,why I remember once back in 75...what? oh yeah,back to the topic on hand.Lets drop in to see what condition my condition was in.(name that tune!)
I'm,as I am overly fond of saying, a 49 year old drug addict,alcoholic ex-con,ex-drug dealer/addict,ex-thief,ex-fraud artist extraordinaire and all around nice guy!
I have been stabbed on eight different occasions,once losing sight of my left eye.I have suffered two gunshot wounds.I have broken an approximate total of 30 different bones,some repeatedly over 12-15 different events.My left hip has been partially replaced and is held together with pins and screws.I suffer from Fibromalaygia and from PAD which as left my legs and feet swollen so badly the skin as crack into deep wounds which will not heal.This causes extreme pain,and it was for those symptoms I was recently given a CAT scan,a test that discovered a adenoma growth was spotted above my right kidney.I have twice defeated cancer,this my be a precursor to a third and final strike.A MRI was scheduled but we have long waiting lists,it already as been three months.
I suffer from Asthma and emphysema,although I have not had to use my meds for them in six months,ever since I started this little adventure on line.Seems that confession is good for more then just the soul.

I accept pain,sorrow,heartache,grief and all the other so called negative emotions as just part of the price of admission to this wonderful life,and the higher the price,and the better the show!

I have in my travels managed to contract Hepatitis C (at least I have the markers,antibodies showing up in my blood samples indicate that I have been exposed,yet I suffer no symptoms,another blessing.
Lets summarize for a minute shall we?let's see,I am a one-eyed gimp with a limp!oh yeah,almost forgot,my right ear drum was shattered so you can also say I'm half blind,half deaf,and half way to being a cripple.A one eyed,one eared gimp with a limp!HA HA! seriously LAUGH!a lest give me a smile!
I spent about seven years behind bars,and another twenty five in bars!isn't that worth a smile at least?

I am having the best time of my life,I have never been happier,and while I will tell you shocking tales,remember,they all have an happy ending,for without the miseries I have suffered,I would not be me.I never would have died that day,and I would not now be able to give my Testimony:

I am waking up in the hospital,tubes running into and out of my body,breathing from an oxygen tube and I feel WONDERFUL,I really don't know how to describe it.EVERYTHING WAS GOING TO BE OKAY!!My daughter who I had not seen for years was praying beside my bed.I first turned away in shame,I had glimpsed my arms,they were covered from wrist to elbow with hundreds of red inflamed "tracks"where I had been pumping morphine into my body I can't really tell you the exact conversation,in fact the next week was pretty touch and go,and I only remember highlights,such as swearing to my daughter that I would get clean,if she had not been there,I would absolutely positively dead today.It was for her that I would try,but as I would very soon find out,it would be God that gets the credit,for if I had not re- found our Lord I would not be here.

I HATED GOD
It as been over seventeen years now since my one and only Son passed away at age of only 12 weeks,a victim of the mysterious SIDS,and any faith I may have had was replaced by anger,for if there was a God as the Bible spoke of Him,then he MURDERED MY SON!I was the Sinner,why not take me?was I ,as I expected being punished?then if that was so,then I MURDERED MY SON!
It did not seem to me there was much to choice from,either way God was a Cruel and Vengeful Being that I wanted nothing to do with.My reawakening to the Truth came suddenly,I have told you that I just had a wonderful feeling when I woke up in the hospital that everything was okay and I admit thoughts of God flashed in my mind,but I kept fighting Him,not letting him win over me,I was Master,not Him.

It was about my fourth or fifth day that I started to notice that some weird things were occurring,such as the person in the next bed to me having a Priest pray over him,nothing unusual in that,but the Priest was the same one who had ministered in my home town 35 years ago!Coincident right? of course it was.Then the next day a Chaplin shows up,telling me he had been sent by my daughter,nothing unusual there,besides from the fact that he was at one time a traveling minister who knew all my Childhood friends!Coincidence again,right?
Of course,except for the fact my daughters swear they did not send him! and I have found out since none of my childhood friends remember him,even though he knew intimate details of their lives.

I started thinking more and more about God,even going as far as to dream about Him,but I was still not ready.Then the drugs they were giving me to keep me from going into withdrawal,which would have killed me in the shape that I was in at first,started to lose their effects,or they where weaning me,either way,I became very,very,sick.Dope sick.The worst sickness anyone can experience.Please,I am not asking for sympathy,I know all to well it was all my own doing.
Opiate withdrawal is a horrible thing,I will not go into it further.I kept asking to be released from hospital,even though I remained horribly weak and still needing oxygen,and could not even stand unassisted.I had suffered a small degree of brain damage,( hold the puns for later!)much like a mild stroke,where you need to re-learn motor and speech.I was unable to eat,I could no longer even swallow the pills they were giving me,could not sip water(was getting everything by IV)I wanted,I NEEDED a FIX!

After hanging up the phone(I had called a doctor at home trying to convince him I was okay to be released)and breaking into tears I shouted out FINE,YOU FUCKING CUNT, YOU WIN,I NEED YOU GOD!HELP ME LORD PLEASE!(please forgive language,but that is an exact quote,in fact I have left out much,as i ranted for several minutes,I have just quoted the intial sentences)

Sudden silence, the background noise from a busy hospital gone.Calm,pulse returns to normal,the readings from the monitors I'm hooked to all going into a regular rhythm,I am thirsty,I am STARVING!drink deep from the water,I tear open a chocolate bar that was on my bedside end table.I gulp it down in two bites,I swing my feet over the side of the bed,and I WALK out to the nurses station and I tell them I AM GOING HOME and they can't stop me!
I phone my daughter and tell her I am being released(this is where she will find out about my little white lie!)so come pick me up.I am filled with love for her,for life,for GOD!my heart is glowing,my mind spinning.Is it true?Did I just experience a miracle?Why was I spared? even the discovery of my lifeless body I have learned is a miraculous story in of it's self,one I will gladly relate in an up coming episode of how I was REBORN from ashes and I AM FREE!
I am going to tell you some of the tales of misery that as happen to me yes,but there will be a positive spin and an uplifting message in each,so stay tuned folks,I am just getting warmed up!

I have since writing this the first time more details of how I came to be in that hospital.I am not saying it was a suicide attempt,as I am sure it was not,but I do believe it was a cry for help.Only a few days before my fateful drugover dose I had watch a newsclip that had on it the man who sexually abused me when I was a young teenager.The scene I observed was of him being interviewed over a summer computer daycamp that he was part of.It involved him working with young teenage boys,and in fact in the short clip I saw he had his arms around a young man shoulders,a glint in his eyes that I knew so well.He is a former teacher/boyscout leader of mine,from the time when he taught in my small home town.If you have not already read of that abuse,please read Boy Scouts are Always Prepared from THE ROAD DOWN series.

I now believe that witnessing that scene sent me on a spiral of depression that led to my accidental overdosing,accidental as in I did not set out to kill myself the first few time I cranked,but may have become my goal after I was already high.The only reason I am here at all,the only reason why God was able to answer my pleas for help,is due to the fact that three members of Law Enforcement came knocking on my door with an arrest warrant,I had missed a court date for drug poession.When I never responded to their knocks they kicked in the door,after seeing drugs on the table in plain view from the window in the door(that's their story,and I will let them stick to it).

Initially only two entered,the third staying in the prescribed fall back position in case I made a break for it behind the backs of the two inside.The two inside found what they called an obvious dead body,and it was only after another 3-4 minutes before the third entered,and started CPR and had the other two call an ambulance.I was way past the accepted point of time when one could be resuscitated normally.Another of God's Miracles.

I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOUR COMMENTS,AND I WILL BE HAPPY TV LOOK AT YOUR SITES AND ADS,as long as your comment proves to me you have actually read this!no copy/paste messages please,those I will NEVER visit or show any support to,and please forget about trying to get me into your MLM's or any other promotions,I promote for just me and my Savior.
I recently received a letter from a reader who praised,not me and my writing skills,but an ad!( at a different site,where I talk about addictions)It would seem that she was able to finally have her son diagnosed with a serious aliment.This as led me to look at the ads in a new light,and I will do my best to attract the type that may be of social value,rather then just commercial value to me.If you ever find information from an ad that you were helped by,please let me know so I can better serve future readers

CANCER

2005-11-12T00:01:00.000-09:00

First time readers are urged to first READ PHOENIX As way of introduction to this website.

HELLO,MY NAME IS DOUG,AND I AM A DRUG AND ALCOHOL ADDICT.CLEAN AND SOBER 16 MONTHS 8 DAYS 4 HOURS 21 MINUTES....but whose counting?

I urge all readers to visit The Abuse Ends Now!

I recently revealed to the world that I was a victim of Sexual Abuse at the hands of a Pedophile.My transgressor was none other then a High School teacher who doubled as a Boy Scout Leader justifying yet another stereotyping.I hold no stock in that type of slander though,for the vast majority of Scouting Officials are honest,kind,caring and dedicated to the betterment of young men,not their depravity.I invite you to read of that first time of abuse,it may explain a lot of things,such as why I was unable to remain faithful,and perhaps according to some therories,why I became an addict in the first place.
That dark tale is not for these pages,pages that I have dedicated to the telling of Happy tales of Misery &Suffering! So,without further delay I present for your enjoyment:
Cancer detected by the illict movement of drugs and illegal firearms!
Please,hold the cards and leters! remember,this is satire,I am not,nor ever will again condone the selling of drugs,but we must remember,this is the past that I have,and it made me what I am now.I feel that my past was all part of GODS PLAN for me,and that is why there is happy tales of misery and suffering!On with the narrative:

The day was like the last one,and the one before that.I was of course feeling fine,I had good company with me,a good supply of top shelve pot (marijuana) and at least a QP of blow( quarter pound of cocaine) and a few grand in my pocket,and more then ten grand in my stash,as that was not my money,that was for the Boss.I have always prided myself,even when whacked out of my gourd,my veins filled with up or down,or both at once,I had never blown a front.
Oh,I had screwed up before,spent the float,but something would always happen to even things out.It was as if even low life Drug Dealers have Guardian Angels!

When I look back on my life now,through an experienced and SOBER eye,I realize that something,or somebody,as been saving my life on a regular basis,only I was always under the assumption that I was just plain old unlucky.I had not at that time let GOD into my life,a life that as been one disaster after another,yet except for the times when there was a death involved,I have always seemed to come out of it ahead somehow.What I had been viewing as bad luck was actually the best thing that could have happened to me under the circumstances.

House burns down?lose everything you own?no insurance?Receive a gift of $1200.00 from co-workers and then stumble on a real estate deal that will make you $40,000.Get fired from your job?A total stranger that you meet in a bar gives you a better job,and on and on it always seemed to go.

I know now that we are never asked to carry what we can not lift.I certainly haven't always felt that way,thats for sure.Twice in my life time I have asked to die,begged for it.The ONLY reason I never committed suicide at those times was the fact that I know more then most,that death does not hurt anyone but the living.In other words,my death would have hurt the ones who loved me,and I could not ask them to go through what I was going through at the time.

I don't believe I have ever told you about the time I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Disease?To the uniformed amongst you,Hodgkins is a rare form of lymphatic cancer.It can appear almost anywhere in the body,and unfortunately can be symptoms free until it as spread through out all your lymph nodes and can then only be treated with mutative surgery ( you guessed right guys!) and a regime of massive amounts of radiation and Chemotherapy.The survival rate at this stage is very low.If events had not unfolded as they did....well I don't think I would be here.That was my second time with Cancer,the first was a mild case of Carcinoma,skin cancer for you uninformed,treated with a simple snip and a couple blasts of radiation just for effect.How I was diagnosed with that one is also drug dealing related,but I think it is not in a categery worthy of it's own tale.Let's just say it was found due to my hating of wearing clothes when high on cocaine and leave it at that.

Just as a short break unrelated to this tale,I recently under went a CAT scan to try and detrimine why my feet and legs are so horribly painfull and swollen.A spot of Adenoma was discovered above my right kidney and I am presently waiting to get in for a MRI(magnetic resonance imaging ).While almost all ademomas are benign , they are the direct precursors of adenocarcinomas,and as such deserve close observation.

Here in Canada we may have some of the best health care in the world(UN stats,not my opinion) but it as created waiting lists as there is a servere shortage of trained personal.Seems like our Government cutbacks in spending as resulted in our brightest and best moving else where,where the dollars are. Now back to our main feature:

So,there I was,minding my own business(which was cocaine distributing) entertaining a guest who by coincidence was nine months with child( alas,not mine)I mention her only as it is necessary for me to explain why in the Hell would I allow to happen what I am about to reveal.Trafficking in drugs is a risky business,and not all the risks come from law enforcement agencies.

One of the problems that comes from being a criminal,is the people you know! honour among thieves?In my case YES,I am old school,but there is always exceptions to everything,and when you through in the mind altering drugs,anything can and usually does happen.Cocaine affects different people in different ways,and the standing joke of coke heads is that they are a paranoid bunch of people.I think that is because cocaine is an amplifier of your subconscience,have a guilty conscience,your paraniod,feel great about your self,you feel invinceable.That is how coke effected me,instead of hiding behind locked doors cowering in a closet,I would be more likely to leave my door wide open.That is not a good way to deal drugs!Suddenly I am hearing voices,I had just done a "whack" and was feeling WHEEEEE!Then I heard the voice again:"Get on your knees or I will cut your throat!

Those words sure brought me down from my high!I had at the time a 9 mil only a few feet from my hand,and if it was not for the fact that they(3) had Betty(names have been changed to protect the guilty)kneeing on the floor(she had answered the door)her hands clasped protectively over her unborn child,the outcome would have been much different.So,I went against every fibre of my being,and I up it.Showed them my stash,released my cash.(rythmes!)

I should have known it wasn't over yet!No,they had me,and now they wanted to play,to convince themselves that they were MEN,because they had pulled one over the OLD MAN.I will spare you the details of the humiliations they infected on me,after all,pain don't hurt.There will be those amongst you that will say I got what I deserved,and I will not argue with you,I lived a life of crime,and if crime came back to bite me in the ass,so be it.I did not have God in my life then,not that I was aware of,I know now He was there,that this was His plan all along.

The last thing they did(I had to get this from Betty) was the biggest of the bunch had knock me out by ramming the butt end of a shotgun behind my head,in the back of the neck.The next few hours are kind of fuzzy,but I remember twice being lead back to my cot in the ER as I was trying to get to maternity,I was there holding Betty's hand as she gave birth to a beautiful son,only to collapse again and wake up yet once again in the ECU.It seems that I had received a fairly serious concussion and needed medication to reduce swelling around the brain stem.The X-rays they took at that time also revealed,you guessed it,a growth around a lymph node needed a biopsy.The rest they say is history.Oh,I still went through Hell,lost all my hair etc, etc,(and the damn stuff just won't grow back in places!) A new life was brought into the world that night,a innocent babe,but a another life was saved,one not quite so innoncent.

That child today is in foster care,his mother another causality of the drug wars,and while I am not in foster care,who CARES?(yes,that's humor!)What brought those thieves to me that night in particular,at my least able to resist point,and what guiding hand drove that shotgun to the back of my head in just that spot?.If this was an isolated case,I would just mark it up to a happy set of consequences,however it was just one of a string dating back over thirty years.I have a hatred of hospitals and doctors offices.I would never of got diagnosed with cancer if this robbery had not taken place.Once again,GOD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS!

There has been,and I pray still is,a Guardian Angel if you will,making me pay for my sins,but always showing me the door way out(of my problems)I have always in the past turned away from that open door,fearful to step through,step through to success and happiness,because for me,that is the unknown,and we fear what we do not understand.I know now that God as a plan for me,and telling this tale is just part of it.

Enough with the philosophy,back to our main feature.Yep,there seems no doubt about it,as horrible as it may seem,as unsettleing as it may sound,there is no doubt in my mind at all:

CRIME CURES CANCER!! or,here's another headline for you to consider:NEW DIAGNOSTIC TOOL DISCOVERED! 12 GAUGE SHOTGUNS IN THE ER?You got to love my life right? don't you wish you had stories like these?

Remember,Hugs are better then Drugs! support group

Parents,be aware of your childrens moods,where they go,who they are with,protect your children from sexual abuse.The pedophiles are out there,and while I do not condone witch hunts,I do support notification programs,we have a right to know who lives in our neighbourhoods.
There are an estimated 1,000,000 pedophiles in North America,many are on line RIGHT NOW hunting for your child! Know who your children talk to on-line,there are some wonderful programs available that allows you to check up what they do on-line,and while I support the right to privacy,some things are just to important for you NOT to snoop into.
Be approachable,if I had felt I could talk to my parents,things may ghave turned out much differently.I invite you to read A PARENTS LOVE? for an example of dysfunctional parenting.
That's all from me today folks,you see what I mean? a tale of pain and sufering with a happy twist.I was robbed and beaten,resulting in my life being saved from cancer.

Drug Treatment Programs and Centers save lifes! Support your local initiatives.Urge your City Fathers to fund Detox Centers to end jailhouse suicides,so called "drunk tanks"are not the place to put an addict or alcoholic "sober up"
Parents,always be avaiable to your children,protect them,love them unconditionally and always let them know it's okay,that they will always be welcome.

I invite your views and comments,please leave your promotions behind.

LEST WE FORGET

2005-11-11T11:11:00.000-09:00

Dedicated to the men and women of the Armed Forces that helped ensure my freedom to write this,and yours to read.

the CENOTAPH

I believe it stands about fifteen feet tall,but in my minds eye it seems like it stretched to the heavens,towering over us like an ancient Deity such Romans had.If indeed it had have been of ancient Roman design,it could only have been from one of their Gods,and one alone,that being Mars the God of War.There is a plaque that reads in part LEST WE FORGET and there is a cross and it speaks of God.I wonder what sort of "politically correct" image and wording it would have if done today?Keep God in our Language!

In the Small Town(pop.235) where I went to school,there stands at the end of Main Street a War Monument that we all simply called the Cenotaph.On it are written the names of the Town's fallen Sons,from World War One,World War Two and what was deplorably called the Korean Conflict,which from all accounts was a war worse then the Second,as it lacked proper support from either government or public,small comfort to those who laid down their lives to know it wasn't really a war.
In the days when the trains still stopped,it was only fitting to build the Cenotaph beside the Station House for all to see as soon as you climbed down from the train car.
It was a meeting place of sorts,in a way that people growing up and driving in cities will never understand.Laying as it did at the end of the street,it was a natural place to make an illegal U-turn,looping around the monument,and if two drivers chosed to stop,hang their heads from the windows and catch up on the latest weather news or gossip,well,the next car could just make a wider turn and loop around them.
Surrounding it on three sides was a wrought iron fence,no more then thirty inches tall,the side facing down the street had a chain linked between posts,guarding the pathway that lead to the base of the monument.There was always fresh flowers around it,though who placed them was a mystery.It was as if some grieving mother or wife had a secret pack with a florist,and wished to remain anonymous,or perhaps that is just a young boys fantasy and no real mystery was involved.I select to believe the first hypothesis.

Once a year the pathway to the face was swept clean,any old flowers,or candy bar wrappers that the wind had placed around it where meticulously gathered and taken out of view.The street it's self,if not covered with ice and snow,as it was on more then one occasion,was swept,not by street cleaning machinery,such luxuries were not in the Village budget,but by the school children.
We were all pulled from classes,handed brooms and garbage bags,and marched the three blocks from school to Main,all the while "policing the area"as the Veterans where apt to call it.
It was then on to the towns theater,called such as it once run movies on Saturday night,alas those shows ended with the coming of Television and the closing of stores on Saturday nights.Once there we carefully swept and dusted the entire interior,I once found a blue garter,lost there from the last wedding reception held.
Finally all is ready,tomorrow is the day,and as usual,I will be called upon to perform,much to both my chargin and my to my pride.

Finally the moment is at hand.It is November the eleventh,and the eleventh hour is fast approaching.The theater is close to or at capacity,the stores are all closed,the school halls and rooms are empty.Even the Hotel's Beverage room is closed,not by law,but by respect.It's doors will soon open again,it will be one of it's busiest days,as fighting men are apt to do when cast together and thoughts go to fallen comrades,they will partake of a "nip or two"

Once again the schools across the nation have held essay contests,the theme needing to be of course about the War and what it means to us,and once again,across the nation,the winners of such contests are forced to forget their fears and "perform for the troops".Refusing such an honour would be paramount to treason,and if there was one thing I was,I was a patriot.
I may be wrong,someone may be able to correct me,but I am quite sure that for the twelve years I participated in such a ceremony,I was forced to perform a minimum of nine times,having won that top honour as best essay in the school,not of your grade,but of the school,the divisions being one separate award for grades 3-8 and another from 9-12.
After the speeches where over,and the awards handed out,a bugle would play,that most mournful of tunes the Last Post which was followed by a full two minute silence,not like the "pretend Moment of silence that is used this days which lasts about 15 seconds.
It was then we would all march out,and down the street,the parade led by members of the Legion,followed by us Boy Scouts.
The "lone Mother or wife"(one who had lost a son or husband) who had been chosen that year would lay the first wreath,the rest following close behind.

Then,one by one,the Veterans would step forward to read,each man doing twenty names before ceding to the next,as roll call was held,and all the names on the tall stone where read aloud.
This was the worst time for us Boy Scouts,we where always cold,wearing only our uniforms and no jackets,and we would stamp our feet nervously ,heads hanging to hide the tears that formed,from the icy wind,of course,not from our emotions.This would go on,and on,seeming to take forever.I have some good memories of my Scouting days,and those were amongst the best,not like the other memories that are here .
I think it was about my ninth or tenth such ceremony when an ironic thought occured.There was( are) more names on that tall stone post,our Cenotaph,then there where people alive in the town,either then or at anytime.
We are a proud bunch us Prairie Dogs,and when the call came for King and Country,our sons all lined up,all eager to "do their bit" The Province I am from as the honour of having the highest rate of volunteers in the Country,a fact I am so,so proud of,however I can only imagine what wonders my home town could have produced,if it had not given away it's very best.

Please,read below,and then hang your head and give thanks for those who fought and died,Allies from around the world,all united to fight the good fight,and to make our Freedom possible.

LEST WE FORGET:

In Flanders Fields
In Flanders Fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders Fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders Fields.

Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae
A Proud Canadian who went to do "his bit"

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2005-11-01T02:05:00.000-09:00

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DEDICATION TO A LOST SISTER and I went to Church!

2005-10-30T06:00:00.000-09:00

And From The Ashes First time Readers are encouraged to start with PHOENIX

This is not what I originally planned to post,I was going to write a bright cheerful tale,centering on the wonderful morning I had with my youngest daughter and her friends.I was forced,no that is not the right word,I was driven to write not mainly about my daughter,but another young lady,and the poem she wrote while she was the guest of the government,the same government that decided it is better to imprison drug users then treat them.

The young lady I would have been so happy to report,beat her demons,but that is not the case.
Like so many others before her,and for so many after,drugs caused brief happiness,then sorrow,then it is followed by death.No arresting officers found her in time,no guardian angels to pick her up,no,she is gone from us,taken by the demon she be-friended,and even when she realized he was a false friend she could not give him the slip.

Someone, somewhere must have done a cost analysis of prison versus drug treatment,and went with the low figure.I can think of no other reason our society has such a huge prison population.If you where to remove drugs from the criminal codes and placed them the food and drug administrations,you could close 45% of the prisons.Where then,could all those Neo-Nazi types get employment if not as prison guards?(humor folks! save your cards and letters)
That's an argument to be dealt with in THE VIEW FROM OUTSIDE , not here,these pages are for up beat stories of misery!Yep,that's right,upbeat stories from misery.There is a reason for the suffering I have endured,and no matter what sort of horrible life I've lived,there is a method to the madness as it where.

JUst where is the upbeat in this story that I promised all my posts would have?I admit it took me awhile to realize what is was,but then it struck me all at once.
Today was a special day for me,today I went to church to a service for the first time in approximately thirty seven years.Thats right,37 years.
This may shock some who have read my Phoenix post,where I sound like I am filled with the Spirit of the Lord,so one would think I am an avent church goer.
None the less,this was a first for me,and truthfully the only reason I attended was out of love and respect for my sweet little Susan,the little girl I so callously abandoned when she was three years old.

I am now proud to say my sweet little girl as become a beautiful young lady,one who is very active in her church,who as traveled the world doing missionary work,one who just this evening will be traveling to one of the toughest and most secure Penitentiaries in the whole Canadian Correctional System,doing Prison Ministry work,meeting with some of the worst and most dangerous people in society,bringing them the gospel.It has been her work for years to help and serve the Lord and the less privileged.Whether it as been the jungles of a Caribbean backwater,or the mean streets of San Francisco,to the worst of prisons,she as been there with a smile and a Bible.Why?

I wondering how much of this she would be doing if MY life has been different then it was?Is it at all possible my poor example is what motivated her?Did my years in prison cause her to want to be close to me the only way she could be?

Spiritually? I started to examine our relationship,or rather lack of.I tried to put myself in her place,and much as I tried,I just could not see away where she would the great and kind person she is,if I had done things differently.If I had not deserted my family,my daughter would not have been raised in the church the way she was,of that I can guarantee.I am once again convinced my fall into the Hell I lived in all those years have a reason,and if I had not become a drug dealer and an addict,and spent years in prison,my daughter would not be who she is.

This certainly is another case of the Lord working in mysterious ways!

The amazing thing is,she FORGIVES ME! SHE LOVES ME!

So I was able to find the up point to the following poem.The up point is,if I had never been a greedy drug dealing addict,my daughter would not be the wonderful person she is,I never would have been in that Church today,and I would never have discovered this poem upon my return.

That may sound twisted,but if you really examine everything,it makes total sense.The poem was in my emails when I returned from Church,one of 127 emails that where waiting for me.I would never have opened it,it was a group post,and I can never read all I get,so I pick and choice using the subject header as my only guide,and the subject header had the word daughter in it,so I opened it.

What I read brought tears to my eye,a lump to my throat,a swelling in my heart,and my mind was flooded with dark memories.I am POSITIVE it was God's hand that guided all these events.I am meant to publish this,instead of my original idea of relating my church going experience.

This poem will save lives!Please spread this link and story. I will no longer subject you to my ramblings.

READ. LEARN. EDUCATE.

I destroy homes, I tear families apart, I take your children,and that's just the start. I'm more costly than diamonds, more precious than gold, The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.

If you need me, remember I'm easily found, I live all around you - in schools and in town. I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, and maybe next door.

I'm made in a lab, but not like you think, I can be made under the kitchen sink. In your child's closet, and even in woods, If this scares you to death, well it certainly should.

I have many names, but there's one you know best, I'm sure you've heard of me, my name's crystal meth. My power is awesome, try me you'll see, But if you do, you may never break free.

Just try me once and I might let you go, But try me twice, and I'll own your soul. When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie, You do what you have to -- just to get high.

The crimes you 'll commit for my narcotic charms Will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms. You'll lie to your mother, you'll steal from your dad, When you see their tears, you should feel sad.

But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised, I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways. I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from God, and separate friends.

I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I'll be with you always -- right by your side. You'll give up everything - your family, your home, Your friends, your money, then you'll be alone.

I'll take and take, till you have nothing more to give, When I'm finished with you, you'll be lucky to live. If you try me be warned - this is no game, If given the chance, I'll drive you insane.

I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind, I'll own you completely, your soul will be mine. The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed, The voices you'll hear, from inside your head. -

The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see, I want you to know, these are all gifts from me. But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart, That you are mine, and we shall not part.

You'll regret that you tried me, they always do, But you came to me, not I to you. You knew this would happen, many times you were told, But you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.

You could have said no, and just walked away, If you could live that day over, now what would you say? I'll be your master, you'll be my slave, I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave.

Now that you have met me, what will you do? Will you try me or not? It's all up to you. I can bring you more misery than words can tell,
Come take my hand....let me lead you to hell!

I wish I could tell you the name of the author,it is my understanding it was the family of the dead girl who first released this to the net,and they wish to remain anonymous.I am far from the first person to publish it,however it tells such an important message,it needs to be repeated.Please help me get this poem around the world,over and over.It should be on the desk of every teacher,minister,drug counsellor,correctional administrator and government official.I have sent it on to the addicts support group I founded,and I ask you all to do your part on the war on drugs! REHABILITATION NOT IMPRISONMENT! If you are a user of an addictive substance,and you are ready,reach out,we are here! Great crystal meth site they can help!

HUGS ARE BETTER THEN DRUGS! GOD BLESS YOU ALL!