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Tuesday, November 29, 2005

PHOENIX




PHOENIX BIRD A bird in Egyptian mythology that lived in the desert for 500 years and then consumed itself by fire, later to rise renewed from its ashes.
A person or thing of unsurpassed excellence or beauty; a paragon.

Miracles Do Happen! (this article appeared before,but important updates are now included.Please,forgive the small amount of profanity,it is necessary to the accuracy of the story,which is 100% true.It was also the article I declared my love of God for the very first time,and was the inspiration for this series.




A NEW LIFE WAS BORN.
Gather around my children,and listen to my tale,a tale of woe, of desires run wild,of poverty,of disease,of death,of sorrow,of love and romance,a tale with violence sex,drugs and rock and roll.A tale of loss,of fanatics gains,in other words,a tale about life.


I was dead.I had no pulse,no respiration,my mind,at least from where I was sitting,was completely inactive.No bright lights,no long lost relatives with out stretched arms to welcome me,nor was there a burning pit or lakes of fire.
All was,as it was,The earth was without form, and void; and darkness was on the face of the deep.
And the nurse said "turn up the lights"and there was light.And it was Good!
I was re-born!
Yes,my children,I had died,dead by my own hand,whether intentional or not the jury is still out on that question,but either way,it was my own doing.
The dark road I went down that led me to this death,a death by drug overdose,to wit enough morphine injected into my arms,hands and legs( and a couple times when no other veins had the nerve to show themselves,even" there") to make an elephant drop(doctors words not mine) is a story for another place.This is the story of life! a celebration,a jubilation,an intoxicating tale of redemption,salvation and emancipation!
Emancipation? YES! because now,for the first time I AM FREE!
For the first time in close to twenty years I am not looking over my back watching for the police,I am free of that worry for good touch wood,no I mean PRAISE GOD!
My mind is free,free to learn,free to grow,free to create.I am free to visit my children,and not have them cringe,free to play with my granddaughter with out her mother watching like a hawk in case I decided to kidnap her and trade her for drugs.
PRAISE THE LORD I AM FREE!
That's right,you heard me,don't look so surprised.I mean,how did you think I came back from the dead?and get all those "ex"'s in front of my careers?

However before I get into a religious debate,I think we had better go back at bit,back to July 2004.
Relief is the only way to describe the feeling I had when I opened my eye that day a little over a year ago.Somehow,even though I had experienced an almost total loss of short term memory,I some how knew that finally everything was okay.
I can't begin to tell you what a sense of relief I was experiencing,I could not talk without extreme difficulty,every word was a if I were speaking for the very first time.Without even trying I knew that I could not walk,just lifting my head to look at the person who was talking to me was enough to physically exhaust me.I knew where I was,I knew what must have happened,even though I did not(and still do not)have any memory of the events that lead up to that moment.
Perhaps before I go on I should relate to you a little about myself,and my overall health at the time,else you totally get confused.It would not be the first time I have been accused of rambling on and on and on and on without getting to the real story,why I remember once back in 75...what? oh yeah,back to the topic on hand.Lets drop in to see what condition my condition was in.(name that tune!)
I'm,as I am overly fond of saying, a 49 year old drug addict,alcoholic ex-con,ex-drug dealer/addict,ex-thief,ex-fraud artist extraordinaire and all around nice guy!
I have been stabbed on eight different occasions,once losing sight of my left eye.I have suffered two gunshot wounds.I have broken an approximate total of 30 different bones,some repeatedly over 12-15 different events.My left hip has been partially replaced and is held together with pins and screws.I suffer from Fibromalaygia and from PAD which as left my legs and feet swollen so badly the skin as crack into deep wounds which will not heal.This causes extreme pain,and it was for those symptoms I was recently given a CAT scan,a test that discovered a adenoma growth was spotted above my right kidney.I have twice defeated cancer,this my be a precursor to a third and final strike.A MRI was scheduled but we have long waiting lists,it already as been three months.
I suffer from Asthma and emphysema,although I have not had to use my meds for them in six months,ever since I started this little adventure on line.Seems that confession is good for more then just the soul.

I accept pain,sorrow,heartache,grief and all the other so called negative emotions as just part of the price of admission to this wonderful life,and the higher the price,and the better the show!

I have in my travels managed to contract Hepatitis C (at least I have the markers,antibodies showing up in my blood samples indicate that I have been exposed,yet I suffer no symptoms,another blessing.
Lets summarize for a minute shall we?let's see,I am a one-eyed gimp with a limp!oh yeah,almost forgot,my right ear drum was shattered so you can also say I'm half blind,half deaf,and half way to being a cripple.A one eyed,one eared gimp with a limp!HA HA! seriously LAUGH!a lest give me a smile!
I spent about seven years behind bars,and another twenty five in bars!isn't that worth a smile at least?

I am having the best time of my life,I have never been happier,and while I will tell you shocking tales,remember,they all have an happy ending,for without the miseries I have suffered,I would not be me.I never would have died that day,and I would not now be able to give my Testimony:


I am waking up in the hospital,tubes running into and out of my body,breathing from an oxygen tube and I feel WONDERFUL,I really don't know how to describe it.EVERYTHING WAS GOING TO BE OKAY!!My daughter who I had not seen for years was praying beside my bed.I first turned away in shame,I had glimpsed my arms,they were covered from wrist to elbow with hundreds of red inflamed "tracks"where I had been pumping morphine into my body I can't really tell you the exact conversation,in fact the next week was pretty touch and go,and I only remember highlights,such as swearing to my daughter that I would get clean,if she had not been there,I would absolutely positively dead today.It was for her that I would try,but as I would very soon find out,it would be God that gets the credit,for if I had not re- found our Lord I would not be here.

I HATED GOD
It as been over seventeen years now since my one and only Son passed away at age of only 12 weeks,a victim of the mysterious SIDS,and any faith I may have had was replaced by anger,for if there was a God as the Bible spoke of Him,then he MURDERED MY SON!I was the Sinner,why not take me?was I ,as I expected being punished?then if that was so,then I MURDERED MY SON!
It did not seem to me there was much to choice from,either way God was a Cruel and Vengeful Being that I wanted nothing to do with.My reawakening to the Truth came suddenly,I have told you that I just had a wonderful feeling when I woke up in the hospital that everything was okay and I admit thoughts of God flashed in my mind,but I kept fighting Him,not letting him win over me,I was Master,not Him.

It was about my fourth or fifth day that I started to notice that some weird things were occurring,such as the person in the next bed to me having a Priest pray over him,nothing unusual in that,but the Priest was the same one who had ministered in my home town 35 years ago!Coincident right? of course it was.Then the next day a Chaplin shows up,telling me he had been sent by my daughter,nothing unusual there,besides from the fact that he was at one time a traveling minister who knew all my Childhood friends!Coincidence again,right?
Of course,except for the fact my daughters swear they did not send him! and I have found out since none of my childhood friends remember him,even though he knew intimate details of their lives.

I started thinking more and more about God,even going as far as to dream about Him,but I was still not ready.Then the drugs they were giving me to keep me from going into withdrawal,which would have killed me in the shape that I was in at first,started to lose their effects,or they where weaning me,either way,I became very,very,sick.Dope sick.The worst sickness anyone can experience.Please,I am not asking for sympathy,I know all to well it was all my own doing.
Opiate withdrawal is a horrible thing,I will not go into it further.I kept asking to be released from hospital,even though I remained horribly weak and still needing oxygen,and could not even stand unassisted.I had suffered a small degree of brain damage,( hold the puns for later!)much like a mild stroke,where you need to re-learn motor and speech.I was unable to eat,I could no longer even swallow the pills they were giving me,could not sip water(was getting everything by IV)I wanted,I NEEDED a FIX!

After hanging up the phone(I had called a doctor at home trying to convince him I was okay to be released)and breaking into tears I shouted out FINE,YOU FUCKING CUNT, YOU WIN,I NEED YOU GOD!HELP ME LORD PLEASE!(please forgive language,but that is an exact quote,in fact I have left out much,as i ranted for several minutes,I have just quoted the intial sentences)

Sudden silence, the background noise from a busy hospital gone.Calm,pulse returns to normal,the readings from the monitors I'm hooked to all going into a regular rhythm,I am thirsty,I am STARVING!drink deep from the water,I tear open a chocolate bar that was on my bedside end table.I gulp it down in two bites,I swing my feet over the side of the bed,and I WALK out to the nurses station and I tell them I AM GOING HOME and they can't stop me!
I phone my daughter and tell her I am being released(this is where she will find out about my little white lie!)so come pick me up.I am filled with love for her,for life,for GOD!my heart is glowing,my mind spinning.Is it true?Did I just experience a miracle?Why was I spared? even the discovery of my lifeless body I have learned is a miraculous story in of it's self,one I will gladly relate in an up coming episode of how I was REBORN from ashes and I AM FREE!
I am going to tell you some of the tales of misery that as happen to me yes,but there will be a positive spin and an uplifting message in each,so stay tuned folks,I am just getting warmed up!


I have since writing this the first time more details of how I came to be in that hospital.I am not saying it was a suicide attempt,as I am sure it was not,but I do believe it was a cry for help.Only a few days before my fateful drugover dose I had watch a newsclip that had on it the man who sexually abused me when I was a young teenager.The scene I observed was of him being interviewed over a summer computer daycamp that he was part of.It involved him working with young teenage boys,and in fact in the short clip I saw he had his arms around a young man shoulders,a glint in his eyes that I knew so well.He is a former teacher/boyscout leader of mine,from the time when he taught in my small home town.If you have not already read of that abuse,please read Boy Scouts are Always Prepared from THE ROAD DOWN series.

I now believe that witnessing that scene sent me on a spiral of depression that led to my accidental overdosing,accidental as in I did not set out to kill myself the first few time I cranked,but may have become my goal after I was already high.The only reason I am here at all,the only reason why God was able to answer my pleas for help,is due to the fact that three members of Law Enforcement came knocking on my door with an arrest warrant,I had missed a court date for drug poession.When I never responded to their knocks they kicked in the door,after seeing drugs on the table in plain view from the window in the door(that's their story,and I will let them stick to it).

Initially only two entered,the third staying in the prescribed fall back position in case I made a break for it behind the backs of the two inside.The two inside found what they called an obvious dead body,and it was only after another 3-4 minutes before the third entered,and started CPR and had the other two call an ambulance.I was way past the accepted point of time when one could be resuscitated normally.Another of God's Miracles.


I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOUR COMMENTS,AND I WILL BE HAPPY TV LOOK AT YOUR SITES AND ADS,as long as your comment proves to me you have actually read this!no copy/paste messages please,those I will NEVER visit or show any support to,and please forget about trying to get me into your MLM's or any other promotions,I promote for just me and my Savior.
I recently received a letter from a reader who praised,not me and my writing skills,but an ad!( at a different site,where I talk about addictions)It would seem that she was able to finally have her son diagnosed with a serious aliment.This as led me to look at the ads in a new light,and I will do my best to attract the type that may be of social value,rather then just commercial value to me.If you ever find information from an ad that you were helped by,please let me know so I can better serve future readers







7 Comments:

At 28/10/05 11:53 PM, Blogger Harry Potter fanatic said...

u av a very captivating story. i felt like i woz u wen i read dis. i've just posted sumin on my blog about my crappy day, but it eems really trivial in comparison 2 ur story. u av really discouraged me from takin any drugs at all. i think tht u should advertise ur blog and let people all over da world read it as it guide young people like me from takin drugs.

p.s i'm postin a link 2 u on my blog (hope u don't mind)

 
At 29/10/05 12:24 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Nice one Doug, your humour gives you strength, you write your blogd with humour and I am glad you can laugh about life. Keep on writing baby, I love it.

 
At 1/12/05 12:59 PM, Anonymous Matthew G said...

Your rather rude calling to the Lord only proves we have a loving and merciful Father.I am glad you have found Him.
You have a lot to be proud of,do not let your past overwhelm what can be a wonderful future.Follow the Lord's path,and take the roads He tells you to and you will be heavenly rewarded,you have suffered enough.

 
At 1/12/05 5:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Lord will give you the courage you need.Just ask and ye shall receive.
Bless you Brother,your pain as been for a reason and that will become clear in time.

 
At 1/12/05 10:47 PM, Anonymous Kirk&Edith said...

I feel you should continue your blog and keep talking about drugs.We lost our only son to drugs last year,perhaps if he had read somethinhg like this it would have helped him.I was at your other blogs,and I agree,it is God's will that you help others,and your writing will help.
We live in Amsterdam,drug capitol of the world,so I don't know what ads appear to you,put I just got hooked up with a group here pushing for better treatment facilities and methods here.I hope it paid you well,even though they are a great service,it is nice to see you get some reward for all yur work.

 
At 6/12/05 8:12 AM, Anonymous Mrs.Reliefed said...

Thank you for displaying the ads for Rehabilitation Centers,I gave them to my husband and he is going to try to quit drinking.Thank you again Sir,your brave words have been a Blessing,I am so glad you posted to our group.

 
At 16/12/05 5:24 PM, Blogger dino said...

each and every blog of yours keeps me in such awe at the strenght you have. and each time i'm moved. Thank you doug for your inspiration. (i know i said that many times to you but it's so true).

 

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