Sunday, December 04, 2005

I Wasn't Alone

For first time readers,my name is Doug and I am an Alcoholic and Drug Addict.I am an Adult Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse.
CLEAN AND SOBER 16 MONTHS 28 DAYS 18 HOURS 45 MINUTES,that is how long it as been since my death,and then my miraculous revival,and the Inspiration for PHOENIX,now I invite you to read:
I Wasn't Alone

The echoing sound of the clanging of the door,the buzzing of the overhead fluorescent lights,the gleaming marble floors.the high oak counters,the incessant ringing of telephones,the hum of antiquated computers,their monitors flickering worse then the lights,these are some of the sights and sounds that invaded my senses as I walked through the large double doors with the huge brass door handles.These are all familiar sites and sounds,I remember this place well,however what really unleashed a flood of memories were the smells.The odor I took in did more then stimulate nasal passages,it stimulate something deep in my subconscious,certain memories so sharp and clear they seemed for a moment not memory but real events taking place in the here and now.

If I remember my Psych 101,(and I do,I just cheated and looked it up ) this is called a Proustian Memory,named after the great novelist Marcel Proust. I have a distinct memory of reading his novel Swan's Way,part one of the seven-part work, Remembrance Of Things Past.
He does such a brilliant job of describing the phenomenon of how certain smells will trigger crystal clear memories that psychologists and other researcher coined the phrase Proustian Memory,and the rest as they say is history.
I am relating reading Proust and today's memories for other reasons then those stated,I will make clear a little later on why I have done so,but for now we will return to the smells that affronted my senses as I walked into the vestibule leading to the main reception area.

The sparkling clean floors and dust free surfaces,the potted plants,the polished mirrors on the walls,none of those trappings of cleanliness,nor the almost sickening scent of air fresheners,can mask the dank smell of fear,sweat,vomit,urine and feces mixed with the odor of despair that emanated from the hallway on the left.Despair as it's own odor,it's a heady smell that can never be properly described,you would have better luck explaining the sweet of success or the bitter taste of defeat,you will however recognize despair the second you smell it,once you encounter it,it stays with you,it owns part of you,no amount of success will ever remove it completely.

Not only will it stay with you,you will be able to smell it on others,as they will on you.This is not a bad thing,it is actually very beneficial,it helps to ground you,to prevent you from ever thinking too highly of yourself.

Despair,anguish,misery,pain and wretchedness,it matters not what label you put on it,you could smell it here,it hung heavy in the air,and was so thick it was difficult to walk through.Each step I took that moved me closer to the counter,with that famous hallway to the left, the more vivid the memories,memories of women and often men screaming,young men crying for their mothers,of threats,of begging and pleading,of cursing God and then pleading with Him for help.
Memories of a stretcher wheeling by,with the occupant completely covered,the heads of the medics hung low.Memories of long cold nights spent shivering beneath the thinnest of over-bleached white sheets,laying on the cold hard cement floor.No Hilton or even a Holiday Inn this,not even the Salvation Army or YMCA,no,this is of course JAIL.

Drug Addicts,Alcoholics,Prostitutes,Robbers and Murderers!Special weekend and overnight rates!Driving and Parking Violators,rooms by the hour!All meals included! Got the Blues?don't worry,we are Specialists in handing Suicides! Next of Kin Notification Included!**

Today however I will not be taking that turn to the left,today is not a day of despair,but a day of hope,a day of retribution,a day of salvation,a day of healing and hopefully in time,the first step in forgiveness.Why then am I just as scared,if not more,then that first time here,the first time I took that left turn?The next time was easier,and by the fifth it got almost comforting to me.Today though though I am experiencing real fear but yet I know that I am not alone,and that makes the fear managable.I asked for others to Pray for me,and their Prayers were answered,for it is God is holding me up,or I surely would have ran or fallen in faint.

I am here at the City Police to report a crime.For the first time in my life it is I who will be signing a statement against another human being,an act that I swore I would never do.As an ex-con it goes against the very fiber of my being to take an action that might put another behind bars.I justify my actions by telling myself I am doing it for the other children that may now feel safe,and for all the other victims that are lacking the courage to come forward. You see,I am reporting the man who sexually abused me,my former teacher and Boyscout Leader. May that my actions be of benefit to one other,then my purpose as been fulfilled.

Today I don't take that left turn,after checking in at reception,a Special Constable with a friendly smile(there's a switch!) guides me down the hallway on the right.
Much to my relief I am ushered into an private office,I had had visions of a large "bullpen"of detectives,all with their desks within arm reach of the next.This is much easier for me to relax in,there is something about four walls and a door that makes me feel at ease.Perhaps all those years I spent in tiny one room accommodations with the door closed is the reason,whose to say.
The Constable smiles at me again,tells me to take a seat and assures me that the Sergeant would be right with me.I sit,glancing around nervously.I can not now even tell you what the room looked like,it was so non described,just another copy cat bureaucratic office.I am more then a little nervous,I was not supposed to be here alone,I was to have had a lawyer at my side,but at the last possible minute he backed out,stating that his superior's had examined my case and it did not qualify as a need under the legal aid definitions or some such mumble jumbo.Since I am not facing a court proceeding against me,there is no provision for them to assist me.I was given the names of a few lawyers who are I am told reasonable in their consulting rates,but anything over $4.98 is more then I can afford.
Nope,I was there alone,but not quite,ever since I was the recipient of a Miracle and asked the Lord for help,I have never been alone,He truly is My Shepherd.

The meeting was not what I expected.I guess I have watched to many Law and Order episodes,the one where the cops drill the rape victim as if they were on the stand under cross examination from a sadist DA.Instead I was asked a series of seemingly unrelated questions and only the politest enquiries of the actual details of my abuse.Names and dates where given,I was treated with the utmost respect through out.The only mention of my criminal past was made by me,it did not (nor should it) seem to be a factor they were interested in,not now anyhow.

The whole meeting took less then fifteen minutes,and while they did not give me the impression that they where in a hurry,I could detect an underlying current that swept the interview along at a good pace.Assured that the matter would be directed to the proper authority and that I would be notified very soon of the next step and I was told I was free to go.Yes,those where the words he used"free to go "a phrase I am sure just becomes natural for a police officer to use.Who else would end a meeting using those words?

Reading back over the last part of this it may seem to some that I was being snubbed.I did not mean to give that impression,as it is the furthest thing from the truth.No,I was treated with dignity and respect,and while they were brief,it is fully understandable.The people I talked to today are not the ones that will be doing the actual investigation,just who will be is up in the air at the moment.The crime did not happen in this city,the pedophile does not live here,nor where the crime was committed. Jurisdictions will have to be worked out and other details have to be checked,then they will be back in touch with me.I do not think it will be long.I was told a "few days"but we all know what that can mean.The wheels of Justice have never been known as turning at a fast speed.I was assured that the Police where the pedophile is living will be notified "immediately"and that proper steps would be taken to protect the children that may be around the sickco and that is the whole point of this.I was again urged to get a lawyer though,as there is almost always counter accusations made(how that can be true was not explained) and that I should have a lawyer to ensure all my rights were protected and served.If any wrong doing on the part of officials of the scouts or education system are uncovered I was told it was vital that my lawyer be the first to know.I have already made it clear I do not blame those organizations,but the police Sergeant told me not to count anything or anybody out of the equation,not yet,and not without a lawyer.I was also told to refrain from talking about the case of course,so you will all have to wait to find out that it was John Quesnel,former teacher and scoutmaster in Semans Saskatchewan Canada,last known to be living in Regina Saskatchewan Canada,that is the sick twisted pedophile that raped and abused me for over two years.Wish I could tell you now encase some of you know him,I want to make sure children are safe around him.Will just have to wait I guess.

There is absolutely no way I can hire a lawyer.I live on a very tiny "disability allowance"the fancy term my government as given to us welfare recepients who have been deemed unable to easily find or to do employment due to disabilities.After my rent and utilities,phone and IP are paid,I have (just got a raise!) $272.00 per month to buy food,clothing and toiletries,entertain myself,pay for presents etc.Almost $60.00 is needed for bus fare as I must travel four time a week for my Drug Treatment Program.I have just paid for all of that,and I have like I implied before $4.98 left to last me to the New Year.No,a lawyer is out I am afraid.Unless another Miracle takes place,but I feel I have used up my quota for one lifetime,it is certianly nothing I would bother God about.

I will not ask or borrow,not again.God will provide.A million visitors will hit my web sites this month,that should do it!(if I spell it out to you how that would help I would be breaking some rule I dare not).

Remember my mentioning of Proust and my love of the Masters?It is the worst kind of irony that I owe my introduction to such authors to the very pedophile that I am now attempting to bring to juctice.It was he who in his constant attempts to buy my affections,to groom me as it where,that first showed me that there was another world outside of the little praire village I lived in.He soon came to realize that I was more precocious then even the girls my age,and that my reading level was at a college level while I was still in grade school.He cultivated a friendship with me using literature as a basis,advising me on what and who to read,oftening giving me "gifts" of classic books.If I still owned today some of those first editions he bought me,then I could afford a lawyer!

He particulary like me reading books that while not pornagraphic by today's standards,did however contain explict sexual scenes,many with bi-sexual characters,as if that was the norm.Perhaps not pornagraphic by today's standard yes,but acceptable reading for a thirteen year old boy,NO,not now and certainly not then.So in a sense,you could say that if I had not been the victim of a child molestor,I would not have the love of reading and writing that mean so much to me today.That is just one of the HAPPY parts of this tale of misery and suffering.

As I was leaving the Police Station,I caught a whiff of a new odor,it had a familiarity to it,but it took me a moment to recognize it.It seemed to be overpowering the other negative odor's,and mixed as it was with the street odor's,it did not bring back memories,but instead promised to create new ones,for it was the sweet smell of FREEDOM! yes,I am free at last!Free of guilt and shame.Free of doubts.Free to shout


**Please hold the cards and letters Ladies and Gentleman,I am not advocating the elimination of jails,they are a necessary cog in the justice wheel.I am however very much in favour of eliminating the practice of using them as dry out centers.Those with addictions need a facility with trained personal,a secure place to be sure,but a Detox as well.If you value human life,ALL human life as I do,and as how God instructed us to do,then we must prevent the high rate of suicide and other deaths in the first or second night of incarceration,that is the danger zone.Most prison suicides are amongst people that haven't even been convicted,it is in the city,and precinct's. and county jails where they are being held before their first court apperance.Everyone of those deaths(and there are way more then the general public realizes) is preventable.I am an advocate of Detox Centers now more then ever.I have lost three people who were one time close to me to suicides,all in the city jail cells,and all in the last year.Drug Addictions should not be a death sentence.If we spent a third of what we spend on jails( news brief April 98.) on Drug Treatment Programs and Addiction Counseling we could in time close half the prisons.It would take an all out effort with real commitment from all levels of government,but I believe much of the costs could be raised in the private sector.I don't think many would donate to a prison,but a Drug Treatment Center would have it's fair share and more.Just think folks,instead of tax dollars to warehouse the poor(as the vast majority of incarcerated individuals are from the poorer demographic)charity dollars to treat and educate.Which makes the most sense to you?The War on Drugs can be won,we just need to change our ammunition.Building more jails will not make the streets safer,no matter how many you place in jail due to drug addiction or alcoholism,there will be just new ones to take their place.Sad but true.
Sorry for editorializing,today just reminded me of so many needless deaths.This is supposed to be happy tales of misery and suffering,not the New Yorker! I do however hope you enjoyed my little tale,and if you wish to never miss a posting,simply email with the word READ in the subject line and you will be placed on the notification list

As usual I invite your comments and will publish the good with the bad.I will however delete any spammers,please do not even try and get me to promote with you,under you or over you.Neither your product or your proposal interests me.I will visit your sites if your comment is relative to this post and not just another copied/pasted piece of drivel.If any of you find information from any of the sponsors that you found particularly useful,I would love to hear about it.So,until the next time,God Bless you all,please tell your friends of my sites.Thank you.

Alcoholism and Drug Addiction are beatable.I am living proof!There is help out there!If you need a start,email me and I will do my best to help.I have an on line support group for addicts,and there is room for you in it!
If you were a victim of Sexual Abuse,there is no reason for guilt or shame,as those are just other forms of abuse.let THE ABUSE END NOW! Parents be informed,know the warning signs that your child may be being abused


At 4/12/05 7:52 AM, Blogger mona said...

thank you for having the courage to tell your story.

At 4/12/05 11:18 PM, Anonymous meg said...

I love the way you associate so much by the smells. You did well by creating enough courage to walk into the Police station, it took some guts but I am proud of you.
Good luck boy

At 5/12/05 11:16 AM, Blogger Milton A Covering said...

Doug, congratulations on this step. It is a difficult thing to face the unknown. I know how you feel. I had to tell the police about my abuse a couple years after it happened. This did me actually no good for there was no counselling to go with it no support and the decision of being abused all over again on the stand was too much to bear.

I am proud of you and the step you took today. All of us who have gone through this were there with you today in heart if not in spirit.

At 5/12/05 4:48 PM, Anonymous Dan said...

Lets hope the sucker gets it in jail.I hate diddlers!Just send him in with a skin label,the boys will handle him.
You say you are an ex-con so I know you understand me.

At 6/12/05 4:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Behind this keyboard I sit here typing with a smile on my face...YOU DID IT!!! Good on you man!!! You have just accomplished what millions of others (victims) have been unable to do for one reason or another. Keep your head up brother, I'm proud of you!!! On behalf of those unheard victims, I thank you.

In Him,

At 6/12/05 5:20 PM, Anonymous Dan said...

I Wasn't Alone.......Wow... it felt like I was there with you...not just in spirit. I will spread the address around to as many places that I can..


At 10/12/05 10:36 PM, Anonymous Larry E. Mullinax said...

I've been there myself, although not quite to the degree that you went through, but addiction is addiction at any level. I know what you say is true and I'm thrilled that you've decided to tell the story, the whole story, in all it's ugliness. I told my story because you cannot fully explain Gods love and mercy without telling what He delivered you from. Bravo to you and I pray you'll continue to thrive and be an example to others. Keep on keeping on my brother and God bless. You'll continue to be in our thoughts and prayers.

The Larry Mullinax Ministries

At 10/12/05 10:46 PM, Anonymous Larry Mullinax said...

In regards to the sexual abuse, I went through that from my father at age 14. It all happened so fast and it over as quick as it began. But not for me. I spent the next 35 years thinking I had done something terrible. Through counseling I was finally able to say, through the tears, "I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG!" That was turning point. I am so thrilled that you had the courage to come forward. I know how hard that must have been. But you DID IT MAN! Again, keep on keeping on!

Larry Mullinax

At 17/12/05 5:06 AM, Blogger Orikinla Osinachi. said...

You can make a documentary from your jeremiad.

God bless.

At 21/12/05 10:23 PM, Anonymous carol said...

Courageous, truthful, smart- enduring...just a few words to describe YOU!!
in support-
Inmate Activists

At 24/12/05 5:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


At 24/12/05 6:50 AM, Blogger Free at Last! said...

if anyboby can make sense of the comment before this one,please let me know!

At 26/12/05 5:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi-- sorry, don't know what was said, but perhaps something in an aboriginal lanaguage from someone expressing a fellow feeling to yours...?? I thank you for your courage, self-insight, and for following through your conversion with a mission. And,you are a great writer to boot! God bless you!

At 5/1/06 5:51 AM, Blogger justamom said...

Way to go! Courage!

We just conducted a forensic interview with my son and are pressing charges now (around the same time you're going through your process), so I know what a big and terrifying step it can be. Good for you for getting the nerve up to hold that liar, manipulator, and criminal accountable for his actions. Good for you!

At 14/12/11 9:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

..I'm surfing in the internet and came across your blog.
..I'm quite impressed , with how it makes such good reading.

*_* jampot *_*
digicam for sale


Post a Comment

<< Home